The Rants of a Vampire
by KingofJesters
Summary: Isaac von Shutimeyer, a wannabe evil vampire, goes to rant about Twilight in a bar. A complete parody,and has absolutely nothing to do with the books. Rated T for alcohol references.


The Rants of a Drunk, Extremely Frustrated, Jealous, Underpaid Vampire

This is the story (relating to nothing whatsoever in the actual Twilight books) of wannabe evil vampire Isaac von Shutimeyer and his epic struggle to survive in a world where all vampires are considered good. Let us take pity on him as he vents his feelings to an oblivious bar tender.

Isaac the Vampire (downing his fifth shot while talking to the bar tender): I just can't intimidate people anymore! 

Bar Tender: *grunt* 

Isaac the Vampire: I mean, how can I be expected to murder people if they expect me to be just like the Twilight books? I mean, come on people! There are limitations on what I can do when I murder you! Take those Twilight obsessed teenage girls! I just walk up to them, all creepy like, and they expect me to sparkle or smell good or something. Some of them even expect the cheesy music! But they seem to miss the key point that I suck blood and I am going to kill them! I mean, I got them on a platter, and they won't shut up! 

Bar Tender: *grunt* 

Isaac the Vampire (downing his sixth shot): That Stephanie Meyer person, who does she think she is? Writing a book about "good" vampires. Those so called "good vampires" are putting the rest of us out of business! I mean, how are we supposed to compete with hot, good smelling, nice, protective, "good" vampires? It takes the joy out of killing, now that we have a role model! They're giving us a bad name; I can't even scare little children anymore! 

Bar Tender: *grunt*(and continues washing dirty glass with dirty rag) 

Isaac the Vampire (downing seventh shot): Do you know what I would do if I met this Edward person? First, I would KILL him. Spell it with me; he will be D-E-D, dead! I would drive a stake through his heart (cause that's how you really kill a vampire, not tearing them up and burning them. That's ridiculous! That's how you destroy the evidence not kill them! Sheesh…), drive garlic up his big flat nose, bury him, and then dance on his grave. Then I would kill Bella; chuck her lifeless body on Edward's grave, have a little party with my evil minions (with tea and crumpets of course!) then I would write on his tombstone, "Here lies Edward Cullen, I WIN! MAWAHAHAHAHA! P.S. Take that Stephanie Meyer, how you like me now?" And then, I would go on a killing rampage, and kill the rest of Cullen's with their stupid baseball bats. Except for Rosalie because she is HOT! I always wanted a supermodel girlfriend. And together, we would take over the world with our vampire army! 

Bar Tender: *grunt* 

Isaac the Vampire (downing his eighth shot): And it would be a REAL vampire army, not those stupid newborn things again! I mean, has that been overdone, man! It wasn't really productive, now was it? They just all went on a rampage and killed everyone, and why? Cause they're NEWBORNS! Duh! Ever try to teach a baby how to march in a single file line? Or how to be an assassin? Hello? Nightmare! I mean, a vampire newborn is pretty much the same as a baby or a puppy. You're always cleaning up after it. With a baby, it's poop. With a puppy…it's pretty much the same thing. But with a vampire newborn, it's a pile of dead bodies you have to hide! And that's not very easy let me tell you. I remember this one episode where three newborns got out of their "safe house" and went on a killing spree. Man was that a nightmare! Bodies all over the ground and the news people having a field day! It took a long time to clean it all up. And they decided not to tell the stupid people about it because their tiny little brains couldn't handle the truth! 

Bar Tender: *grunt* 

Isaac the Vampire (leaps up sending his shot glasses and chair flying): YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! 

Bar Tender (looks at Vampire as if seeing him for the first time and hits a button under the bar): What the…? 

Isaac the Vampire (still shouting): THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO! I must kill Stephanie Meyer! Well, I'm off to Arizona! Farewell! MAWAHAHAHAHA! (Still laughing hysterically, he begins to walk out the door but is stopped by two very strong policemen.) Get out of my way! I'm a vampire and I can kill you! 

Policeman #1: Nice try buddy. Prove it! 

Policeman #2: Yeah, why don't you sparkle for us? 

Isaac the Vampire: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!

The End

Poor Isaac! Maybe a night in jail will help him get over his hangover! We may only hope...


End file.
